I’m Surrounded by Frickin’ Idiots: a Theory on Jewish Intelligence
By Michael Herbach

            Stereotypes exist for a reason: consider that they might just be correct. And by ‘correct’ I don’t mean true for everybody who fits that description. I’m just talking in general. A good mathematician/physicist/statistician friend of mine told me that it is undeniably true that 90% of American Jews are assholes. I definitely fall under that 90% and I know it. This could be debated. What cannot be debated is the fact that Jews are generally considered to be smart, and who can blame the general public in thinking that? I mean, take a look at the demographic of successful lawyers and businessmen and I bet you’ll notice some sort of pattern.

            The notion that all Jews are smart is slightly incorrect. Here is my theory, based on countless study cases of the significant cross-section of American Jews that I have either met or observed: the average intelligence of Jewish males rises (or at least maintains) over time, while the average intelligence of Jewish females decreases significantly with every successive generation. I won’t give you all of my evidence regarding this, because you can easily gather evidence for this by yourself. And if you are a female Jew and don’t think that this applies to you, it probably doesn’t. Read carefully: I said average intelligence.

            To be fair, over the last 5000 years Jewish men and women have not been given equal opportunities to learn. I believe it is written somewhere in ancient Hebrew bylaws that holy books are to be burned rather than fall into the hands of women. And up until the latter 1900’s women were not on equal footing with men even in the United States. It is important to note that this fact is not an excuse.

            Equal opportunities do exist these days, and I’ll be happy to prove to you why, but for our sake just assume that I’m right about it and adjust your thought process accordingly. There are equal opportunities for employment and especially education these days, and it is a proven fact that women can learn faster than men in some areas. Yet the average intelligence of Jewish females continues to decline. Why? There are three possible explanations:

1. Jewish women are genetically inferior to Jewish men,
2. The lack of intelligence has been forced upon Jewish women against their will,
3. Jewish women are less intelligent or inferior by choice.

When I use the word “inferior,” I only mean ‘less intelligent’ or less able. So don’t infer any other meanings from this word. Let us address these options in order.

The first option – that Jewish women are genetically inferior to Jewish men – is absurd. No single group of people, no matter how specific you make it – and ‘Jewish females’ is hardly specific – is genetically inferior to anybody else. Hitler and slave owners used this option to try to reinforce and justify their atrocities. This option is both racist and sexist.

The second option certainly has the possibility to be correct. We can certainly say that African-Americans have “inferiority” thrust upon them by socio-economic maneuvering and years of suppression. However, the socio-economic status of many Jewish females is above (sometimes quite a bit above) the social mean. The abundance of Jewish females at the University of Michigan, and the number who live in luxury apartments in New York, clearly disqualifies this option.

This leaves the third option, which is less easily disqualified. Actually, it is impossible to disqualify this option; by process of elimination, this is it. Every successive generation of Jews is provided with better and better initial conditions, with more and more handed to them, and a higher standard of living. For my theory to be correct, we have to connect this option – that Jewish females are less intelligent by choice – to my original theory (that Jewish females are less intelligent). What we have to identify is the choice. I can do this in six (6) steps. Bear with me:

1.      People want stuff. Call this materialism

2.      In general, women of American culture (whatever the religion) tend to be more materialistic. (Please don’t give me any counter-examples. I know all of the counter-examples. Trust me; I have thought this through far more thoroughly than you possibly could.)

3.      Jewish females are a microcosm (cross-section) of American females.

4.      Therefore, Jewish females tend to be more materialistic

5.      Usually, you have to work to get what you want

a.       Note: Successful work involves intelligence and analysis

6.      Many Jewish females have their materialistic wants given to them

CONCLUSION (by Aristotelian logic): If you have everything given to you, you stop analyzing. If you have wants, and you don’t have to work to get what you want, you don’t work.

            This seems like an intuitive conclusion. People work because they have needs and wants. If they have both their needs and wants provided, why would they work? If you learn as a child that daddy will give you anything you want, you will learn how to manipulate daddy instead of learning how to do anything else that will allow you to satisfy your lifestyle. So there you have it; Jewish females are less intelligent by choice, and it’s only getting worse.

Addendum:

All of this has lead to a paradox; what I like to call the “Paradox of U of M.” The paradox is as follows:

1. It takes intelligence and analytic skills to get into and succeed at U of M.
2. The average Jewish female does not possess intelligence or analytic skills.
3. Therefore, there should be few Jewish females at U of M.
4. Jewish females are everywhere!!!

Solve that one, bitches.

For some reason, Jews and Catholics get together well. I’m not saying that the religious leaders can cooperate or even talk civilly to each other; but as a general rule, the average Jew and the average Catholic can start a successful relationship.

Now, you wouldn’t think this could even be true, and I’m with you; this defies logic. The doctrinal differences are pretty great, but on closer inspection, things get blurred. This does not explain the volume of romantic relationships that result.

This Jew-Catholic phenomenon was brought to my attention recently at a friend’s party, and I started thinking. This is what I came up with:

• My grandfather (Jewish) married a Catholic woman. Ten children were raised Catholic
• My dad (Jewish) married a Catholic woman. My mom has since converted and both my sister and I were raised Jewish.
• My good friend (Jewish) is seeing a Catholic girl. For the past 3 years. His parents are Jewish-Catholic. So are her parents.
• Everybody I’m living with next year is either Jewish or Catholic, and all of their girlfriends and boyfriends are either Jewish or Catholic. Half of their parents are Jewish-Catholic pairings.
• One of my best female friend’s father is Catholic, and he married a Jewish woman. Children raised Jewish.
• I’ve dated at least as many Catholic girls as I have Jewish girls.

I don’t know why; it just works. Until this point, I haven’t even thought about it that much, but upon close inspection it is generally true that Jews and Catholics get together well.

            Jews are the Chosen People, so what does that say about the Catholics? Ireland for the Irish!

To the Annoying Girls Who Always Wake Me Up
By Michael Herbach

Dear Annoying girls who always wake me up on Saturday mornings,

            I am writing this on behalf of my roommate and myself. We have come to the conclusion that you and your friends have crossed the line from mere annoyingness to “unforgivable annoyingness.” This is a result of several things. The first thing that makes you unforgivably annoying is that you are waking us up. Imagine one of the fire alarms that have consistently woken us up in the past few months. To my roommate and me, you are the biological version of a fire alarm. The second reason that you are unforgivably annoying is that it is a Saturday morning. On any given Saturday, I probably went to bed at approximately 3:30 AM, or maybe later. I am usually quite intoxicated when I do, and this leads to massive hangovers. And it’s only worse with my roommate; you don’t mess with this guy when he’s drunk or hung over.

            If the annoyingness of your actions has not pierced the ever-present fog that seems to surround any rational thought you may have, allow me to explain further. When my roommate and I are asleep, the last things we want to hear are a couple girls squealing like impaled pigs outside our door. It is amazing how two or three girls will spend the night drinking together, share the exact same experiences, remember all of it, and yet – without fail – they have to recount the night, minute by minute, in the loudest and most high-pitched voices this side of Cindy Lauper. I don’t want to hear how many people you met last night that you haven’t seen in a while. I don’t want to hear how much you drank, or with whom, or where. The end result of this is that my roommate and I know more about your actions than any human should.

            However, if you find yourself unable to keep your misdeeds and alcohol-induced adventures to yourself, we understand. We are, however unlikely it may seem, understanding enough to know that a horrible story may seem great to the teller. So if you must squeal about your night, we have put together some ground rules:

1. No stories are to be told, nor is any more than bare minimum of noise to be made before our door is open and we are both playing music.

There. One rule; I’m sure you can follow one rule. We don’t ask any more than that. But unfortunately it has been observed that you cannot follow this one rule, so we have imposed sanctions against you and your friends. They are:

1. We will no longer supply you with alcohol. No matter how much we over-charge you, it is not worth the extra hour or two of sleep we lose. It is insane to subsidize our own torture.
2. You are going to be greeted with dirty looks until such time as we are fully awake and have shaken off the hangovers. From past experience, this could take a while.
3. We will talk in negative terms about you to all of our friends. Trust us; you are going to be cast in a negative light. Our goal in this is to minimize the sexual gratification you receive, so we won’t have to hear about it on Saturday mornings.

So there it is; we’re sick and tired of hearing about your nights. We don’t care about the fucked-up situations that you repeatedly get yourself into because you lack any social skills. And there is nothing quite akin to being awoken by a squeal that would make any pig cough and blink.

      However, there is a way that you can get us to lift the sanctions. Consider this a compromise: you get to keep your mid-morning story-telling sessions, we get blowjobs. This was heavily debated, but in the end blowjobs seemed fair. We hereby commit ourselves to the following promise: All of our complaints will be silenced forever if we get a steady schedule of pole-polishing. For every morning that you wake us up, your entire group is to enter our room, shut the door behind you, and proceed to pleasure us. But do me first, because my roommate takes a while to wake up.

Sincerely,

A pissed off but inherently reasonable man and his roommate.